I’m pretty sure we’ve all heard that life is a journey that
we are all on. Each hardship and
experience is just part of the journey, and we keep plugging away. Honestly, I think life is more of a series of
journeys… we have many little journeys going on at the same time, and each one
affects the other and overall played into the major journey of life.
In the past few years, I have been on several journeys of my
own. Many of you know about my journey
of moving away from my family and Guatemala to the US for school. Then the journey of nursing school began in
the midst of the journey of the move. I have
tried to be very open about what I have felt and the process of moving, getting
into school, and adjusting to life. Through it all though, there is one journey
that I have kept fairly quiet, but has still played a HUGE role in so many
parts of my life…
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| March 2012 |
Before I dive headfirst into this, I want to outright say
that this is NOT an easy post for me to write, but also one that (especially in
the past weeks/months), God has been urging me to write. So if it seems like I’m all over the place, I
might be! But bear with me here…
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| April 2012 |
Let’s rewind about 2.5 (maybe 3) years. At that time I was looking ahead to moving to
the US and getting ready to get into school.
I was feeling a little (ok, really) overwhelmed about all the changes
that were about to take place, but still feeling like it was something that God
was calling me to do. When things feel
overwhelming and out of control, what do we try to do? Well, control something! For me, at that time, my “thing” to control
became food. I could control what I ate,
how much I ate, and when I ate. I didn't hate my body or think that I was fat, so I never thought that something like an eating disorder would affect me. Honestly,
it wasn't something that I woke up and thought, “Today I am going to start
controlling any and every aspect of food in my life,” rather it was something
that started small (making minor changes) and then began to escalate.
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| May 2012 |
Fast forward a few months (May-ish, 2012)… now I (and my
family) were beginning to notice that things were no longer under control, but
becoming out of control. I was beginning
to obsess more and more about what I ate and how much I ate, and my weight was showing
it as well. At this point, we (my
parents and I) decided it was time to get some more professional help, and we
found a counselor and nutritionist in Guate.
I was “diagnosed” with anorexia nervosa and the mental/emotional therapy
began. What I found amazing was that
once I really realized that this was an issue, it was so much harder to
fight!
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| June 2013 |
Ok, so moving forward a few more months (August
2012-August-ish 2013). I am now in the
US, away from family and learning how to be a little more independent. I have a lot on my mind and am getting into
US life. By this time, my (unhealthy) lifestyle
related to food from the past few months has become comfortable and I simply
focus on the life at hand (school, settling in, etc) and let my health take the
back burner. Yes, I was still meeting
with a nutritionist and counselor, but my heart wasn't really into moving in
the right direction. Honestly, I stayed
in the “unhealthily comfortable” mode for a while… looking back, probably well
over a year.
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| December 2013 (21st birthday!) |
Let’s fast forward a few months more (January-April 2014). I am now into nursing school, which is crazy
stressful. I have the stresses of school
and life hanging on, and my health is continuing to go downhill, dangerously
so. At that time, something really
snapped inside me. I realized how
stinking tired I was about trying to control food and having that added stressor
in life, and decided it was time to make a change. I had gone through seasons like this
before,
but this time was different than others, it was time to take more action… I
decided to enter an intensive outpatient program specifically focused on eating
disorders. I was able to meet a group of
girls that were in the same boat as me, and really make myself focus on ME and
MY health rather than everything else in life.
Did I enjoy driving to King of Prussia three times a week? No!
But I felt like I was able to take some big steps forward and make some
breakthroughs in mindsets. Did I come
out of the program “recovered?” Nope,
but definitely in a much better place than before!!
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| May 2014 |
Ok, now let’s get back to the here and now (October 2014). Am I recovered from this eating
disorder? No. Am I actively recovering? You bet!
Each day is still a battle, and I constantly need to watch my attitude
and thoughts. I need to remind myself
that I am doing this for my future family, for my future life, and for
everything that I am doing right now.
So why am I posting all of this? This journey that I have been going through
for the past few years has taught me so much about myself and has (and is
continuing to) shape me into the person I am today. I have learned how important it is to have a
solid support group in any area of my life and how blessed I am to have that
support! My faith and reliance on God
has increased tenfold; when you can’t rely on yourself to make healthy
decisions, it reminds you to rely on the only One who shapes your future! I have come to realize that the stereotypes
that are in society these days are sometimes very painful (example: eating
disorders and body image), and not necessarily true for everyone going through those
specific things.
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October 2014...
much healthier and happier! |
While there are times
I don’t know why God is allowing me to go through this battle and trials, I
know for sure that He will see the good work that he began in me through to
completion, and what an amazing promise that is!!!
So Nursing School, today I officially say goodbye to
you. While you were a challenging companion
for the last two years, you have helped to teach me what I need to know to be a
strong, influential nurse. I can’t say
I’ll miss the studying that you brought into our “relationship,” but I
undoubtedly will miss my fellow nurses and awesome professors that have helped
to shape who I am today.
